Misordered Loves: Why We Struggle to Do What We Know is Right
Who do I do the things I know I ought not do?
I first heard this question posed when I was a kid. I was sitting in church with my parents and brothers, and the pastor was reading from the New Testament. In a passage, one of the writers described a common challenge: he consistently does things he doesn’t want to do, while neglecting the things he intends to do.
This dilemma has been outlined in wisdom literature throughout the ages and across cultures and traditions.
Simply put: this is a human problem, ubiquitous to us all.
Augustine of Hippo wrote philosophically about this problem. He believed that all people find true motivation to act from a single, primary force: love.
We act towards what we love, and when we act in ways contrary to what we desire, it’s because we have a misordering of loves. We’ve put a lesser love in a falsely superior position, prioritizing our actions toward what we perceive to be a higher love, even though it’s misaligned with our true desires.
An example from my life is elevating my love for comfort above other worthy loves, like health, work, or relationships. It isn’t that the desire for comfort is bad in itself; it’s simply that when placed too high in the hierarchy of loves, my actions naturally orient toward comfort at the expense of other important responsibilities.
Comfort is good, but when it’s held above everything else—like personal growth, relationships, or professional success—we experience discomfort, dissatisfaction, or even suffering from our own actions.
When comfort becomes my highest love, everything else falls subordinate to it. What we hold as our highest good becomes the filter through which we make every decision, minute by minute, day by day, month by month, decade after decade.
Why Do We Struggle to Do What We Know is Right?
The struggle between what we want to do and what we end up doing is universal. It can be as simple as trying to exercise regularly or more complex, like making choices that align with long-term life goals. In both cases, misordered loves lead us to choose temporary satisfaction over lasting fulfillment.
This misordering creates an inner conflict between what we know is best for us and what feels good in the moment. To realign our actions with our true desires, we must reevaluate our loves and prioritize them correctly.
““We suffer more in imagination than in reality.””
Practical Steps to Reorder Your Loves
Identify Your Highest Loves: What is most important to you? Is it family, personal growth, success in your business, or health? Take time to clarify what you value most.
Evaluate Your Actions: Are your daily actions aligned with your highest loves? If not, identify the lower loves that are pulling you off course.
Adjust Your Priorities: Consciously reorder your loves. This might mean placing more focus on your business goals and reducing the emphasis on short-term comfort.
Embrace Discomfort: Growth often requires moving outside of your comfort zone. Remind yourself that temporary discomfort can lead to long-term fulfillment.
FAQs
Why is it so hard to break habits that don’t serve us?
Breaking habits is hard because we’re creatures of routine. When we’ve placed lesser loves at the top of our hierarchy, our habits reinforce these priorities. Reordering your loves helps you create new habits aligned with your true desires.
What can I do when I keep falling back into old patterns?
First, recognize that this is part of the human experience. No one reorders their loves overnight. The key is self-awareness and persistence. Each time you notice yourself slipping, realign your actions with your highest values.
Conclusion: Choose Your Loves Carefully
To live a fulfilled life, it’s crucial to recognize the hierarchy of loves that governs your actions. By intentionally choosing what we place at the top of our priority list, we can align our actions with our true desires, ultimately leading to a happier and more fulfilling life.
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